Things I've Learned Along The Way

...or as I like to say, "Purl'z O' Wizdumb."

1. Do not under any circumstances whatsoever take a handful of SenSen and pop it in your mouth before you walk out on stage, unless you want to blind your fellow singers with the fumes coming from your head.

2. Do not tell your friend how stupid her ex boyfriend was until you are absolutely sure they did not just get back together and plan to be married in the spring. You will not be chosen as maid of honor.

3. Do not compliment any woman (especially a teacher who can affect your choice of college)on how well she is carrying unless you are sure she is pregnant, which you will not be sure of unless you are both standing in a puddle of water and the child is crowning. Let it go.

4. Do not wear a flammable polyester top while using a hair dryer that is more than 3 years old. Once the spark has flown from the dryer and ignited your chest, do not try and put it out with hair spray.

5. In the same vein, do not try to cauterize the wound of a Barbie. It takes weeks for the smell of burnt plastic to fade from the kitchen curtains.

6. Again, if you are hired to sing at a funeral and the first thing the mortician asks you is whether or not you can operate a fire extinguisher, walk away.

7. When you save money by going to the hairdresser school for your "do" instead of the actual salon, count on walking away looking like a cockatiel.

8. If the mother of your college boyfriend says that she likes you because you look sturdy and you can take good care of her son when she is dead, this is a bad sign.

9. If your college boyfriend says he likes you because your butt is shaped just like Tony Danza's, this is a VERY bad sign.

10. Sharpees do not make a viable option for eye liner.

11. If you take only one baggie on the walk, the dog will poop twice, and the second time will always be bigger and gooier than the first.

12. Always cook beans well, and never exercise strenuously after eating them.

13. Ice cream. It's what's for dinner.

14. When they tell you the best years of your life are age 10, 16, 21, 30, or any other number in between, do not believe them. Your best years are always, always ahead.