Thursday, August 23, 2012
Dear Dr. Pierce
Dear Dr. Pierce,
I could not help but notice your sign prominently displayed at the Butte Montana "World Museum of Mining" which I was fortunate to experience this summer.
It appears that you are offering a reward in the amount of five hundred United States dollars for women who cannot be cured of female weakness.
I find this intriguing.
Are you interested in offering said reward in order to have the opportunity to study the unfortunate women who cannot be cured of female weakness for the purposes of professional inquiry or scientific exploration? Or are you proposing a clinical study of some new and amazing drug which offers the possibility of a cure for women who, up to this point, have been unable to be cured of said weakness and require a number of study patients in order to begin?
Perhaps you are suggesting that female weakness has some sort of interesting properties in and of itself, which, with further examination and perhaps some moderate adjustment, would be a suitable remedy for another type of affliction? Or an alternate source of energy, as in solar or bioenergy sources currently being explored? Perhaps you are seeking to harvest said weakness as a raw material for some future enterprise?
The illustration connected with your notice seems to suggest that women who cannot be cured of female weakness are demure, rosy cheeked, small waisted, and somewhere between the ages of 14 and 24.
I would like to note at this point that, although I am not demure, rosy cheeked, small waisted or anywhere near the ages of 14 and 24, I might be a suitable candidate for your inquiries.
You see, I am loaded with female weaknesses which, I fear, are irrefutably fused into my psyche and likely intertwined beyond any possibility of extraction. Allow me to enumerate them for your edification:
Female weakness number ONE: If I see a child in danger of falling off a shopping cart, dumping a large quantity of groceries on its head, running into the street, or in general being unsafe or obnoxious, I am most certainly prone to interception. Furthermore, if I am driving a car in which a child between the ages of one and fifty-seven is a passenger, and we are obligated to come to a sudden stop, I will most certainly do the "mom seatbelt maneuver" in which I throw my outstretched right arm over the torso of my passenger, despite knowing that my arm will not keep them from flying through the windshield.
Female weakness number TWO: Puppies. Strays. Also babies, kittens, baby guinea pigs, ducklings, chicks, rabbits, lambs, ponies, fawns, kits, and baby humpbacks. Orphans. And, oddly enough, baby bok choy.
Female weakness number THREE: Chocolate. Please do not assume that my placid behavior would prevent my ripping off your arm should you try to remove a milk chocolate bar from my grasp.
Female weakness number FOUR: A kind man holding flowers. Or chocolates, which he is about to hand over to me. Or a vaccuum cleaner, which he is not going to hand over to me. Or a mop. Or a spatula.
Female weakness number FIVE: Sex. Preferably with the honest and monogamous object of female weakness number four.
Female weakness number SIX: A bargain. Or a pair of jeans that do not make my butt look big.
Female weakness number SEVEN: A good cry. Not the kind that you have to do by yourself in the bathroom because you are embarrassed or angry or know that you really don't have a good reason but you want to anyway so there. No, I am talking about the good cry at the last five minutes of "When Harry Met Sally" or "Field of Dreams" or the time when you finally got a glimpse of tenderness from that one person that you know has always loved you but been too much of a schmuck to let it out.
Female weakness number EIGHT: Hope. For peace on earth, an end to poverty, justice for everyone, a fair shake, clean air, green gardens, and a pair of panty hose that don't make you sweat down there like a horse.
Female weakness number NINE: Candor. Don't try to pass any cowpies by me. All females, sooner or later, can smell it coming, and will tell you so.
Female weakness number TEN: An uncanny ability to love, despite. Despite evidence to the contrary, despite unrequited affection, despite flaws looming larger than Mount Everest. This is why Beauty loves the Beast, Jane Eyre loves Mr. Rochester, Fiona loves Shrek. We do love. We do it very well.
So now that I have innumerated the ten most glaring examples of my female weakness, and that of women in general, I hope that you are a wealthy man, Dr. Pierce.
Because if there were justice in this world, every woman would be lining up at your establishment for their just reward - $500 for being pretty much fabulous.
I eagerly await your reply, demonstrating female weakness number ELEVEN: Patience with men.
Yours Very Truly,